Have you ever had a thought, idea or desire to do something, and every fiber of your being is telling you “YES! Do it!” ? It’s as if something cracked open just a smidge and your inner Creator decided to seize the moment and slipped through sideways, trusting it was for something good. You can feel a sort of energetic pull from the center of your chest as your mind seems to open to a new, higher space, clear of the usual daily clutter. Your intentions are laser focused. So you take action without questioning. You just know it’s what your Soul is calling you to do. There is very little ego involved at this point. You know this because the negative self-talk, those kids on the back of the bus who just won’t be quiet, have dropped into silence. Everything seems to fall into place as you plan, write and take action to make manifest whatever it is into your reality with such certainty. Then something happens. We start to feel an uneasiness seep into our system. The forward movement is just so uplifting! And then just as you’re getting ready to launch this creation… nausea, queasiness and then a change in your thinking, returning to the old dialogue. Just as the final finishing touches are coming into place, the ego slithers in and creates a wall of uncertainty through questions, self-talk and a barrage of “what ifs” and the voice outside of your true self that asks “Who do you think you are?”. Nooooooo!!!!
I remember this happening when it was time to teach my first Reiki class by myself. My first Reiki teacher/mentor (who also is my spiritual advisor) had been telling me it was time. My heart knew she was right, but my mouth (directly connected to my ego) kept coming up with delay tactics and justification of why I probably would teach but maybe not just yet. There’s a saying I much live by: “Suffering is optional.” The discomfort of not teaching was becoming disruptive to my inner calm. So I committed to teach a Reiki Level I class. I had wonderful training by gifted teacher/mentors so I knew on some level that I was prepared. Inside I was excited beyond words, my Soul self was doing a happy dance because at last, I was taking action related to an important part of my earthly purpose. I prepared my marketing materials and verbally announced the class at networking meetings. I created my printed handouts and ordered the manuals. All I had to do is set a date. But something inside me literally could not bring myself to nail down a date. I remember feeling extremely anxious over the idea of teaching. My ego self was driving the bus. And every stop along the way made me more fearful of stepping into the full nature of my purpose. There was an ego-driven resistance that was as powerful as gravity itself that was keeping me from reaching this goal. It was within arms reach and like a bad dream, I couldn’t get to it. I had to literally force myself to move past all the fear-based thinking and just do it. It was scary and hard, but with the encouragement of my advisor and guidance of Spirit, I did it.
I felt this type of creative force when the concept of Sacred Healing Hands Wellness Studio came to me. I had already come to know that Reiki was a Life Path for me. I knew nothing about running a business, but during this process, my right (creative) brain was so engaged that I didn’t do much left brain (analytical) thinking about it. I just kept moving forward. At this point I was confidently teaching and practicing Reiki. When the concept was first conceived, a sudden wash of Truth that ran through my body and an undeniable pull to do something more with it was clear. The Resistance was different this time. It was if nothing could stop me. It almost felt as if a different version of myself was guiding the way. I kept my thoughts positive and avoided any conversations with my ego or others about possible failure of my business. I had a lot at stake. A 4-year lease and the expense of all the furniture and office equipment needed to make this happen. My business thrived and I enjoyed many years of fulfillment by serving others. I don’t really know why it happened without much resistance but I’m pretty sure the strength of my Soul’s desires had a lot to do with it.
A few years ago I was invited to speak about addiction at the International Reiki Retreat. I felt honored to be asked and terrified at the thought of speaking on stage. I remember when the invitation came to me I responded by saying that I think they may have sent the invitation to the wrong person. I was all set to let myself off the hook. Simultaneously, my heart knew this was something I was called to do. I was sharing my feelings and thoughts about this with another teacher/mentor and she said “This isn’t about you.” What?! My whole body shivered and I realized in that moment, if only one person received a drop of inspiration through the sharing of my story, then I will have done enough. The pull to do this was not for myself so much as it was for others and that made it difficult for me to say “no”. So I worked hard for weeks with a speaking coach on an outline and before stepping onto the stage, I instructed my ego to step aside and asked Spirit to speak through me. When people approached me after the lecture, I felt a huge relief and sense of fulfillment by sharing my story so that others may find hope. It really wasn’t about me, but I felt like I received a gift by being utilized as an instrument of strength and hope for others.
The writing of this blog has had more resistance as teaching my first Reiki class. Perhaps its because my ego self has gained some strength through the false starts. I do know that ignoring the messages that it’s time for me to write has not provided me with any sense of peace. And so I persevere. If this writing makes it out there, I know as soon as the “Send” button is engaged and this writing is now in the ethers, a sense of dread will likely wash over me and I will spar with my ego, deflecting the negative self-talk, until I realize again, a magical truth… It’s not about me.